Victoria’s Secret ‘Angels’ Actually Just People

Just regular gals . . .

Just regular gals . . .

The models who participated in the Victoria’s Secret fashion show in Paris this week are not, in fact, angels at all, research has revealed. Professor Dirk Von Kluftwing, Professor of Biology at the University of Maidenhead, recently published his findings in the Frontiers of Biology journal, and announced his conclusion on Radio Four’s Today show this morning. “I’ve been intrigued by the Victoria’s Secret situation for some time, and began monitoring it closely five years ago, intimately observing the ‘angels’ and studying them as closely as possible from an aesthetic as well as a scientific perspective – it was a tough job, but someone had to do it” he explained to presenter John Humphrys, “anyway, what I basically found was that there was no suggestion of any kind of divine or celestial origin for any single one of them. What they actually are is just extremely good-looking human women. They’ll grow old and die, just like the rest of us.”

How much, if any, damage the findings will do to the Victoria’s Secret brand remains to be seen.

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FA: No Further Sanctions for ‘Lovable Scamp’ Mourinho

Cheeky chappy . . .

Cheeky chappy . . .

Manchester United manager Jose Mourinho will not receive further punishment after having been sent to the stands for kicking a water bottle during his side’s 1-1 draw with West Ham on Sunday, the FA has confirmed. Clarifying an official statement, Chief Executive Martin Glenn explained in an interview with Talksport radio: “That Jose’s a card, isn’t he? Whether he’s leathering a water bottle, bawling abuse at the fourth official or poking someone in they eye, he always does it with that impish glint in his eye that is just so utterly disarming. How can you possibly stay mad at him? So no, he’s not going to be disciplined further.”

Reacting to the news, Arsenal boss Arsène Wenger branded the FA “weak and naive.”

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Wales: Wikipedia “finally finished”

Knowledge bombs . . .

Knowledge bombs . . .

The vast online encyclopedia Wikipedia has finally been completed, its relieved co-founder Jimmy Wales has announced. “I’ve been slaving away writing all this shit for years”, the entrepreneur revealed to John Humphrys on BBC Radio Four’s Today programme this morning, “but last Wednesday night, at around eight thirty, I completed an entry on Keith Chegwin’s naked game show from the nineties and realised that, at long last, I’d covered absolutely everything. Wikipedia now contains all information in recorded human history. Finally, I can put my feet up and watch a sodding DVD.”

Wales went on to relate that he has no firm plans regarding what’s next for him following the extraordinary feat, but did express interest in learning to play the bagpipes.

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Colchester Woman Knows the Value of Everything and the Price of Nothing

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A woman from Essex is very good at recognising what is truly important in life but hopeless at remembering what things cost, it has emerged. Speaking to John Humphrys on Radio Four’s Today programme, 42 year-old Colchester resident Anna Jenkins noted that she can always calm and soothe her husband Mark when he’s angry or stressed by encouraging him to see things in the proper perspective, but would be utterly stumped if you asked her the price of a pint of milk or a Ginsters cheese and onion slice. “Mark often says I’m his rock and he’d be lost without me” she observed, “but if I planned the weekly shop, we’d be fucked.”

“I generally take care of that side of things” hubby Mark, 46, confirmed, “we make a pretty good team.”

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Mourinho: “Nobody cares about Liverpool”

Mind games?

Mind games?


Manchester United boss Jose Mourinho has spoken of the crushing sense of ennui that is plaguing him as he faces the prospect of travelling to Anfield with his club for Monday night’s Premier League clash with Liverpool. “Am I a special one?” the formerly suave, eye-gouging doctor-baiter asked rhetorically in front of the assembled press pack at Old Trafford this morning, “Yes, I am. But they are not a special club. They’re just one of those kinds of nothing clubs who are always there in the background, but never really do anything – a bit like Chesterfield, maybe. They don’t inspire passion in either direction. I don’t have anything to say about them. Nobody does. Seriously, have you ever actually met a Liverpool fan? I think that they don’t exist.”

The Portuguese also revealed that he intends to have steak and chips at a nearby pub while the match is taking place: “British cuisine is not as bad as some people think, although you still do not make good wine. Maybe climate change will help you with this.”

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Ferdinand First Human to be Granted Immortality

Big Les receives the good news

Big Les receives the good news


Former QPR, Newcastle United and England footballer Les Ferdinand will live forever, it has been revealed. Speaking at a hastily convened press conference in Bexhill, God made the announcement, noting that He had been considering bestowing eternal life upon a human for some time, and ultimately elected to give the nod to ‘Big Les’ – over several shortlisted contenders including Kirsten Dunst, Richard from Pointless and former South Korean President Lee Myung Bak – in recognition of his many achievements in the game, and despite the fact that he played for Newcastle. Ferdinand will spend the rest of eternity as a 37 year-old who can “still do a job for you”, and reportedly expressed an interest in learning to play the oboe on being informed of the decision.

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Kajagoogoo: Constant Agadoo Requests “getting tiresome now”

Bunch of pineapple pushers

Bunch of pineapple pushers

Kajagoogoo bassist and notable individual Nick Beggs is becoming increasingly irked by fans calling out requests for the Black Lace hit ‘Agadoo’ during his band’s performances, it has emerged. Describing the odd phenomenon in an interview with BBC Radio Two’s Flashback programme on Tuesday morning, the muso observed: “At first, we weren’t sure what to make of it – possibly it started as some kind of joke or something. But now, we’re beginning to wonder if people out there really do believe that that inane pile of insufferable crap actually was one of ours. I mean, the thing is this: just because we’ve got a weird name doesn’t mean we’re some kind of novelty act. We actually were quite credible – and I’m a fucking good bass player, by the way. I swear to God, the next time somebody tries it, I’m going to personally wade into the audience and slap the shit out of ’em. I’m sick of it.”

Shadow Education Secretary Angela Rayner, who is believed to have written the party anthem to fulfil a pact with Satan, is reported to have rolled her head back and cackled chillingly with unbridled sinister glee when told of the news, delighted at the malign pall that it continues to cast over the British cultural landscape, more than thirty years after its original release.

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