Woman Has ‘Fairytale of New York’ Stuck in Her Head for a Month

A British woman will not be able to get the beloved Christmas classic Fairytale of New York by the Pogues featuring Kirsty MacColl out of her head until next year, it has been confirmed. 33 year old Angela Wallace, of Barnstaple, Devon, explained exclusively to this blog, “The first time I heard it this year, while having coffee in a shopping centre on my lunch break, I thought it was nice. But I’m starting to rue the bloody day, as it’s just replaying itself over and over in my head, and I keep catching myself humming it at the most inopportune moments. I’ve tried flushing it out with everything from Journey to the Bee Gees to Mahler to extreme Scandinavian black metal, but nothing seems to make any difference. I like to think of it as the impish ghost of Kirsty MacColl on my shoulder. But I wish she’d just bugger off now.”

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Pervy Git Accused of “Inappropriate Sexual Behaviour”

A randy old perv stands accused of having subjected a string of unwilling female colleagues to various lewd antics and shenanigans over a period stretching back decades, it has emerged. 58 year-old Bob Tramurgle, who cannot be named for legal reasons, has been suspended from his position at the Hythe legal firm Kimley & Sons pending an investigation – while a former administrative assistant with the company has come forward to speak out about the harrassment she experienced at his hands.

“He used to cup my buttocks in his hands and then make out it was an accident” 31 year-old Theresa Hailles, speaking on condition of anonymity, recalled. “And then he’d refer to me as ‘top-notch fanny’ in front of clients, before brushing it of as ‘banter’. He really was a dreadful old lech.” At least six other female employees are believed to have come forward with similar claims.

“These allegations come as no surprise to me whatsoever” observed Mr Tramurgle’s boss, Jay Kimley, when contacted by this website. “I can’t honestly remember a girl coming to work in our office who he didn’t use to perv over in a ridiculously blatant way at one point or another. He used to have this thing about wanting to lick the armpits of women he considered attractive. Other than that, he’s been a very diligent and conscientious employee – and I believe he’s a good guy at heart. Some people just struggle to adapt to the changing mores of our times, and I guess Bob’s one of them.”

Mr Tramurgle has not been available for comment regarding the allegations, and is believed to be engaging in a “period of quiet reflection” with his family.

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Man to Embark on “Healthy Drinking” Regime

A British man is phasing out beer and replacing it with vodka in a bid to improve his health, it has emerged. Noting that he “doesn’t feel as full” after spirits, Leonard Baird, 37, of Newquay, explained: “What’s nice is that, because vodka has so little taste, you can mix it with soda water or whatever and, at the beginning, it doesn’t really feel like you’re boozing, even though you absolutely are. And the really great thing about it is that I can continue to achieve happiness by getting properly caned every night, while not having to worry about my belly getting bigger.”

The semi-employed administrative assistant added that his therapist would surely be “thrilled” to learn of the “radical lifestyle shift” he has settled upon.

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Man Posts Something Pointless to Keep Blog Ticking Over

A self-styled writer has written something pointless to put on his blog, purely to make sure he doesn’t go a whole month without posting anything, it has emerged. 37 year old James Shaw, of Kettering, a busy and uninspired individual who blogs on a range of topics, explained: “I thought I’d better post something, so as not to post nothing. So I threw a bunch of banal sentences together on the topic of writing something rather than writing nothing, and published them. I don’t suppose anyone will read the post – or if they do, they’ll regret the couple of minutes they wasted.”

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EVERYONE STILL BANGING ON ABOUT DONALD TRUMP

Donald J. Trump, the 45th President of the United States of America

Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump, it has been confirmed.

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Daily Mail Puts NAKED in Capital Letters

Flaunting it . . .

The Mail Online has taken great pains to alert its visitors to the fact that a female celebrity wasn’t wearing any clothes during a nude photo-shoot, it has emerged.

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New Football Season – Hurrah!

So, to celebrate the return of the English football season – and to ensure that I look a right plonker in around nine months time – I thought I’d weigh in with a few little predictions . . .

Premier League Winner: Manchester City
And in 2nd, 3rd and 4th: Chelsea, Arsenal, Manchester United
Top Scorer: Romelu Lukaku
Relegated: Burnley, Brighton, Huddersfield

Championship Winner: Aston Villa
Also promoted: Sunderland, Leeds (OK, maybe the heart ruling the head on that one, but we have made some tasty signings)

Scottish Premiership Winner: Celtic (might as well make sure I get at least one thing right!)

Let the madness begin 🙂

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