Stoke Player Has “Cultured Left Foot”

A professional footballer for Premier League side Stoke City has a very refined and sophisticated left foot, it has emerged. Speaking on condition of anonymity, Scotland international Charlie Adam explained, “It all started in the second half of a 2-1 defeat to Swansea at the Liberty. The gaffer [Stoke City manager Mark Hughes] saw that I’d picked up a knock and subbed me off for Jonathan Walters. As I was taking my seat on the bench, my foot suddenly started banging on about Aaron’s Rod being D.H. Lawrence’s crowning achievement. Glen Johnson looked at me and said ‘What the fuck was that?’, and Bojan was creasing up. Then my foot opined that Ernst Bloch was the most underrated composer of the twentieth-century and that ‘anyone who can’t see that is a fucking cunt’. At first I thought it was pretty funny, but it just won’t quit and it seems to happen at the most inopportune moments. Half the time, I don’t even know what it’s going on about.”

Stoke City head physio Mark Wahlberg has also spoken of his frustration at not being able to resolve the issue. “We’ve tried blasting Oasis at it at all hours” he commented, “and got Charlie to put his feet up in front of the telly while The X Factor was on. But nothing seems to have any effect.”

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Mash Joins Battle Against ‘Fake News’

Popular British news source the Daily Mash is to mount a crusade against the deluge of fake news sites that are plaguing social media, it has emerged. “In Britain in the last year, we saw the public assailed with a sustained propaganda campaign trumpeting the supposed benefits of remaining in the European Union” explained Senior Editor Steven Mallie, “while on the other side of the pond, a tidal wave of disinformation almost led to Hillary Clinton becoming President. Even Australia seems to have entered into an age of post-strewth politics. This shit has to stop, and we’re going to do everything in our power to ensure that our readers will have access only to the undiluted truth when they visit our site.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies agrees. “There’s no excuse for continuing to make up bollocks and attribute it to real people” he observed when contacted by this blog, “I’ve just about had it with that nonsense.”

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Roy Keane Criticises Someone

Strong words . . .

Strong words . . .

Former Manchester United and Republic of Ireland midfielder Roy Keane has stunned the football world by suggesting that someone involved in football in some capacity is not doing his job as well as he should be, it has emerged. Appearing as a guest on Goals on Sunday, football writer Nick Miller recalled the incident, which apparently occurred at a press conference ahead of the Republic of Ireland’s World Cup qualifier in Austria last month: “What Roy said was really quite withering. We were all a bit shocked. And after making the comments, he fixed Henry Winter – who hadn’t even said anything – with an icy stare. You wouldn’t want to get on the wrong side of him.”

When contacted by this website for clarification, the current Ireland Assistant Manager said that he “stood by what [he] said”, but refused to comment further on the matter.

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Victoria’s Secret ‘Angels’ Actually Just People

Just regular gals . . .

Just regular gals . . .

The models who participated in the Victoria’s Secret fashion show in Paris this week are not, in fact, angels at all, research has revealed. Professor Dirk Von Kluftwing, Professor of Biology at the University of Maidenhead, recently published his findings in the Frontiers of Biology journal, and announced his conclusion on Radio Four’s Today show this morning. “I’ve been intrigued by the Victoria’s Secret situation for some time, and began monitoring it closely five years ago, intimately observing the ‘angels’ and studying them as closely as possible from an aesthetic as well as a scientific perspective – it was a tough job, but someone had to do it” he explained to presenter John Humphrys, “anyway, what I basically found was that there was no suggestion of any kind of divine or celestial origin for any single one of them. What they actually are is just extremely good-looking human women. They’ll grow old and die, just like the rest of us.”

How much, if any, damage the findings will do to the Victoria’s Secret brand remains to be seen.

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FA: No Further Sanctions for ‘Lovable Scamp’ Mourinho

Cheeky chappy . . .

Cheeky chappy . . .

Manchester United manager Jose Mourinho will not receive further punishment after having been sent to the stands for kicking a water bottle during his side’s 1-1 draw with West Ham on Sunday, the FA has confirmed. Clarifying an official statement, Chief Executive Martin Glenn explained in an interview with Talksport radio: “That Jose’s a card, isn’t he? Whether he’s leathering a water bottle, bawling abuse at the fourth official or poking someone in they eye, he always does it with that impish glint in his eye that is just so utterly disarming. How can you possibly stay mad at him? So no, he’s not going to be disciplined further.”

Reacting to the news, Arsenal boss Arsène Wenger branded the FA “weak and naive.”

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Wales: Wikipedia “finally finished”

Knowledge bombs . . .

Knowledge bombs . . .

The vast online encyclopedia Wikipedia has finally been completed, its relieved co-founder Jimmy Wales has announced. “I’ve been slaving away writing all this shit for years”, the entrepreneur revealed to John Humphrys on BBC Radio Four’s Today programme this morning, “but last Wednesday night, at around eight thirty, I completed an entry on Keith Chegwin’s naked game show from the nineties and realised that, at long last, I’d covered absolutely everything. Wikipedia now contains all information in recorded human history. Finally, I can put my feet up and watch a sodding DVD.”

Wales went on to relate that he has no firm plans regarding what’s next for him following the extraordinary feat, but did express interest in learning to play the bagpipes.

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Colchester Woman Knows the Value of Everything and the Price of Nothing

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A woman from Essex is very good at recognising what is truly important in life but hopeless at remembering what things cost, it has emerged. Speaking to John Humphrys on Radio Four’s Today programme, 42 year-old Colchester resident Anna Jenkins noted that she can always calm and soothe her husband Mark when he’s angry or stressed by encouraging him to see things in the proper perspective, but would be utterly stumped if you asked her the price of a pint of milk or a Ginsters cheese and onion slice. “Mark often says I’m his rock and he’d be lost without me” she observed, “but if I planned the weekly shop, we’d be fucked.”

“I generally take care of that side of things” hubby Mark, 46, confirmed, “we make a pretty good team.”

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