A woman from Essex is very good at recognising what is truly important in life but hopeless at remembering what things cost, it has emerged. Speaking to John Humphrys on Radio Four’s Today programme, 42 year-old Colchester resident Anna Jenkins noted that she can always calm and soothe her husband Mark when he’s angry or stressed by encouraging him to see things in the proper perspective, but would be utterly stumped if you asked her the price of a pint of milk or a Ginsters cheese and onion slice. “Mark often says I’m his rock and he’d be lost without me” she observed, “but if I planned the weekly shop, we’d be fucked.”
“I generally take care of that side of things” hubby Mark, 46, confirmed, “we make a pretty good team.”
Manchester United boss Jose Mourinho has spoken of the crushing sense of ennui
that is plaguing him as he faces the prospect of travelling to Anfield with his club for Monday night’s Premier League clash with Liverpool. “Am I a special one?” the formerly suave, eye-gouging doctor-baiter asked rhetorically in front of the assembled press pack at Old Trafford this morning, “Yes, I am. But they are not a special club. They’re just one of those kinds of nothing clubs who are always there in the background, but never really do anything – a bit like Chesterfield, maybe. They don’t inspire passion in either direction. I don’t have anything to say about them. Nobody does. Seriously, have you ever actually met a Liverpool fan? I think that they don’t exist.”
The Portuguese also revealed that he intends to have steak and chips at a nearby pub while the match is taking place: “British cuisine is not as bad as some people think, although you still do not make good wine. Maybe climate change will help you with this.”
Big Les receives the good news
Former QPR, Newcastle United and England footballer Les Ferdinand will live forever, it has been revealed. Speaking at a hastily convened press conference in Bexhill, God made the announcement, noting that He had been considering bestowing eternal life upon a human for some time, and ultimately elected to give the nod to ‘Big Les’ – over several shortlisted contenders including Kirsten Dunst, Richard from Pointless
and former South Korean President Lee Myung Bak – in recognition of his many achievements in the game, and despite the fact that he played for Newcastle. Ferdinand will spend the rest of eternity as a 37 year-old who can “still do a job for you”, and reportedly expressed an interest in learning to play the oboe on being informed of the decision.
Posted in Bantz, Humour, Sport
Tagged God, Kirsten Dunst, Lee Myung Bak, Les Ferdinand, Newcastle United, oboe, Pointless, Queens Park Rangers, Richard Osman
Bunch of pineapple pushers
Kajagoogoo bassist and notable individual Nick Beggs is becoming increasingly irked by fans calling out requests for the Black Lace hit ‘Agadoo’ during his band’s performances, it has emerged. Describing the odd phenomenon in an interview with BBC Radio Two’s Flashback programme on Tuesday morning, the muso observed: “At first, we weren’t sure what to make of it – possibly it started as some kind of joke or something. But now, we’re beginning to wonder if people out there really do believe that that inane pile of insufferable crap actually was one of ours. I mean, the thing is this: just because we’ve got a weird name doesn’t mean we’re some kind of novelty act. We actually were quite credible – and I’m a fucking good bass player, by the way. I swear to God, the next time somebody tries it, I’m going to personally wade into the audience and slap the shit out of ’em. I’m sick of it.”
Shadow Education Secretary Angela Rayner, who is believed to have written the party anthem to fulfil a pact with Satan, is reported to have rolled her head back and cackled chillingly with unbridled sinister glee when told of the news, delighted at the malign pall that it continues to cast over the British cultural landscape, more than thirty years after its original release.
Just a little announcement regarding the return of the wonderful madness this weekend: I will not bother doing Premier League predictions this season. This is for two reasons:
(1) I kicked Paul Merson’s ass over the course of an entire season last time, so it’s nice to bow out on a high note.
(2) I can’t be arsed.
Nevertheless, I will of course continue to provide musings and witterings – as well as hashtagtopbantzdotcom – on all things football-related over the course of the domestic season. Bring it on!
A potato from an allotment in Staplehurst, Kent, has expressed his displeasure at being likened to former Oasis guitarist Noel Gallagher, it has emerged. Speaking to BBC Radio 1 this morning, the starchy perennial recalled, “I was just checking out some celebrity news before settling in to watch Wales vs. Belgium the other night, when I saw the headline ‘Liam Reignites Feud With Pouting Potato Tweet.’ I was dumbfounded. I mean, I know I’m no Rudolph Valentino, but Jesus Christ, I don’t look that fucking bad!”
A bloke from Colchester has accepted that that’s pretty much it for him, it has emerged. “Things are basically all right as they are” explained 42 year-old office administrator Gary Barnes, “and at the end of the day, you can’t really ask for much more than that. I would like to have sex again one day, though.”