Coventry City to Star in Reboot of ‘The Love Boat’

New directions . . .

New directions . . .

Struggling English football club Coventry City is set to appear in the forthcoming new series of kitsch American TV classic The Love Boat, it has been confirmed. “Obviously, these are difficult times for the club, and we know that this move won’t be universally popular with the fans” explained Coventry chairman Tim Fisher, speaking to BBC Radio Five Live, “and yeah, of course, there’s going to be lots of stick and banter from opposing fans as a result of it. But we’re facing the prospect of probable relegation to League Two and the financial hit that comes with that. Realistically, when HBO came in with this offer, we just couldn’t afford to turn it down. Besides, in any industry, you have to innovate and look at new ways of doing things, and football’s no different. Who knows, maybe this could be a trend for the future, and we’ll be seen as trailblazers?”

It is understood that Coventry will make its first appearance midway through the series, as a mysterious stranger from Panama who quickly becomes embroiled in a love triangle with characters played by Frances Sternhagen and Betty White. However, questions linger about the practicalities of balancing the foray into acting with the rigorous demands of a tough football league season. “To be fair, I really have no idea what the deal is with this ‘love boat’ thing” club captain Jordan Willis admitted. “I don’t know what’s going on at this club anymore. It’s all a bit chaotic these days.”

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Blues Rock Musician Rhymes “lonely road” with “heavy load”

A semi-professional blues rocker from Telford, Shropshire, is convinced that he’s on the verge of major mainstream success, after devising an “ingenious couplet” involving the words “lonely road” and “heavy load”, it has emerged. Describing his new ballad, entitled Last Night’s Wine, 41 year old Steve Ross (singer and lead guitarist of the eponymous Steve Ross Band) explained: “This shit is gonna be epic, the guys are gonna be blown away when they hear it. I’m gonna do it solo acoustic as an encore, and I drop the bomb in the second verse, ‘I’ve travelled that lonely road/and carried my heavy load’, which conveys a certain kind of world-weary melancholy.”

“The blues is supposed to carry a strain of melancholy” he added.

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Stoke Player Has “Cultured Left Foot”

A professional footballer for Premier League side Stoke City has a very refined and sophisticated left foot, it has emerged. Speaking on condition of anonymity, Scotland international Charlie Adam explained, “It all started in the second half of a 2-1 defeat to Swansea at the Liberty. The gaffer [Stoke City manager Mark Hughes] saw that I’d picked up a knock and subbed me off for Jonathan Walters. As I was taking my seat on the bench, my foot suddenly started banging on about Aaron’s Rod being D.H. Lawrence’s crowning achievement. Glen Johnson looked at me and said ‘What the fuck was that?’, and Bojan was creasing up. Then my foot opined that Ernst Bloch was the most underrated composer of the twentieth-century and that ‘anyone who can’t see that is a fucking cunt’. At first I thought it was pretty funny, but it just won’t quit and it seems to happen at the most inopportune moments. Half the time, I don’t even know what it’s going on about.”

Stoke City head physio Mark Wahlberg has also spoken of his frustration at not being able to resolve the issue. “We’ve tried blasting Oasis at it at all hours” he commented, “and got Charlie to put his feet up in front of the telly while The X Factor was on. But nothing seems to have any effect.”

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Mash Joins Battle Against ‘Fake News’

Popular British news source the Daily Mash is to mount a crusade against the deluge of fake news sites that are plaguing social media, it has emerged. “In Britain in the last year, we saw the public assailed with a sustained propaganda campaign trumpeting the supposed benefits of remaining in the European Union” explained Senior Editor Steven Mallie, “while on the other side of the pond, a tidal wave of disinformation almost led to Hillary Clinton becoming President. Even Australia seems to have entered into an age of post-strewth politics. This shit has to stop, and we’re going to do everything in our power to ensure that our readers will have access only to the undiluted truth when they visit our site.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies agrees. “There’s no excuse for continuing to make up bollocks and attribute it to real people” he observed when contacted by this blog, “I’ve just about had it with that nonsense.”

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Roy Keane Criticises Someone

Strong words . . .

Strong words . . .

Former Manchester United and Republic of Ireland midfielder Roy Keane has stunned the football world by suggesting that someone involved in football in some capacity is not doing his job as well as he should be, it has emerged. Appearing as a guest on Goals on Sunday, football writer Nick Miller recalled the incident, which apparently occurred at a press conference ahead of the Republic of Ireland’s World Cup qualifier in Austria last month: “What Roy said was really quite withering. We were all a bit shocked. And after making the comments, he fixed Henry Winter – who hadn’t even said anything – with an icy stare. You wouldn’t want to get on the wrong side of him.”

When contacted by this website for clarification, the current Ireland Assistant Manager said that he “stood by what [he] said”, but refused to comment further on the matter.

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Victoria’s Secret ‘Angels’ Actually Just People

Just regular gals . . .

Just regular gals . . .

The models who participated in the Victoria’s Secret fashion show in Paris this week are not, in fact, angels at all, research has revealed. Professor Dirk Von Kluftwing, Professor of Biology at the University of Maidenhead, recently published his findings in the Frontiers of Biology journal, and announced his conclusion on Radio Four’s Today show this morning. “I’ve been intrigued by the Victoria’s Secret situation for some time, and began monitoring it closely five years ago, intimately observing the ‘angels’ and studying them as closely as possible from an aesthetic as well as a scientific perspective – it was a tough job, but someone had to do it” he explained to presenter John Humphrys, “anyway, what I basically found was that there was no suggestion of any kind of divine or celestial origin for any single one of them. What they actually are is just extremely good-looking human women. They’ll grow old and die, just like the rest of us.”

How much, if any, damage the findings will do to the Victoria’s Secret brand remains to be seen.

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FA: No Further Sanctions for ‘Lovable Scamp’ Mourinho

Cheeky chappy . . .

Cheeky chappy . . .

Manchester United manager Jose Mourinho will not receive further punishment after having been sent to the stands for kicking a water bottle during his side’s 1-1 draw with West Ham on Sunday, the FA has confirmed. Clarifying an official statement, Chief Executive Martin Glenn explained in an interview with Talksport radio: “That Jose’s a card, isn’t he? Whether he’s leathering a water bottle, bawling abuse at the fourth official or poking someone in they eye, he always does it with that impish glint in his eye that is just so utterly disarming. How can you possibly stay mad at him? So no, he’s not going to be disciplined further.”

Reacting to the news, Arsenal boss Arsène Wenger branded the FA “weak and naive.”

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