Daily Mail Puts NAKED in Capital Letters

Flaunting it . . .

The Mail Online has taken great pains to alert its visitors to the fact that a female celebrity wasn’t wearing any clothes during a nude photo-shoot, it has emerged.

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New Football Season – Hurrah!

So, to celebrate the return of the English football season – and to ensure that I look a right plonker in around nine months time – I thought I’d weigh in with a few little predictions . . .

Premier League Winner: Manchester City
And in 2nd, 3rd and 4th: Chelsea, Arsenal, Manchester United
Top Scorer: Romelu Lukaku
Relegated: Burnley, Brighton, Huddersfield

Championship Winner: Aston Villa
Also promoted: Sunderland, Leeds (OK, maybe the heart ruling the head on that one, but we have made some tasty signings)

Scottish Premiership Winner: Celtic (might as well make sure I get at least one thing right!)

Let the madness begin 🙂

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Epigram for a Dunce

Knowing not what to write about
But ill-content to scribble nowt,
I sit me down with pen in hand,
To spout my sloppy-rhyming cant.
Dull is my Muse’s call, I heed it –
A pox on you who paused to read it!

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Man Drapes Jacket on Shoulders to Annoy Colleagues

A 32 year old office worker from Caterham, Surrey, is causing mild irritation to his colleagues by walking around his workplace with an expensive designer jacket draped on his shoulders, and never putting his arms through the sleeves, it has emerged. Marketing Specialist Ed Barker, of Cable & Wireless UK, explained to this blog that he particularly enjoys standing over colleagues at their workstations with a cup of coffee, and making small talk with them with the jacket half on. “What’s really great is that, by just draping the jacket on my shoulders and not wearing it properly, it’s clear that it has no functional value whatsoever, and is solely a fashion accessory” he elaborated. “I know I look like a dick.”

“I actually do think I’m going to punch him” added 27 year old Sales Rep Tina Wilson.

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Nobody Remembers Jason Orange

Mystery man . . .


Nobody knows who Jason Orange was, it has been confirmed.

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Hipsters to Vote Conservative “Ironically”

Britain’s effete, craft coffee-quaffing, vinyl-collecting, vintage fashion-sporting Central Asian cheese enthusiasts are to vote Conservative in the upcoming general election, as an ironic gesture that their friends will find hilarious, it has emerged. Twenty-nine year old bearded tit Max Farnham, of Putney, explained: “We’re always listening to music ironically – like Status Quo and Slade the other night – and we like to punctuate our visits to our favourite Lebanese, Tibetan and Paraguayan vegan restaurants with the odd trip to an old-fashioned greasy spoon or pie and mash house, just for the hell of it. So, the logical next step was to start voting ironically. Naturally, me and my friends are all left-leaning in our views, but that’s the whole point. Can you imagine Theresa May’s face when she realises she’s got all these votes from people who don’t really mean it? This shit is gonna be epic. After the election, we’re gonna have a ‘victory’ party, where we’ll all dress up as fox hunters and ponce around pretending to be toffs – which, to be fair, will be the ultimate irony, as I actually am a toff.”

The Prime Minister’s office declined to comment when contacted regarding the matter.

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May to Critics: “You’re all gonna swivel on it.”

Potty-mouth

You can all lick UK Prime Minister Theresa May’s pussy while she paints her fingernails, it has been confirmed. Speaking to John Humphrys on Radio Four this morning, following her announcement of a snap general election in June, the Tory leader observed: “In just a few short weeks, all of those silly dickheads who’ve been giving me shit about not being elected will have to stick it right up their bollocks. Labour’s a joke, I’m the Prime Minister and will continue to be so – and if you don’t like it, you can fucking well choke on it.”

When pressed for more detail about the government’s plans for managing the process of leaving the European Union, May coldly replied, “My way or the highway, bitch”, and concluded the interview. Party insiders have refused to elaborate upon her comments.

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