Just a little announcement regarding the return of the wonderful madness this weekend: I will not bother doing Premier League predictions this season. This is for two reasons:
(1) I kicked Paul Merson’s ass over the course of an entire season last time, so it’s nice to bow out on a high note.
(2) I can’t be arsed.
Nevertheless, I will of course continue to provide musings and witterings – as well as hashtagtopbantzdotcom – on all things football-related over the course of the domestic season. Bring it on!
A potato from an allotment in Staplehurst, Kent, has expressed his displeasure at being likened to former Oasis guitarist Noel Gallagher, it has emerged. Speaking to BBC Radio 1 this morning, the starchy perennial recalled, “I was just checking out some celebrity news before settling in to watch Wales vs. Belgium the other night, when I saw the headline ‘Liam Reignites Feud With Pouting Potato Tweet.’ I was dumbfounded. I mean, I know I’m no Rudolph Valentino, but Jesus Christ, I don’t look that fucking bad!”
A bloke from Colchester has accepted that that’s pretty much it for him, it has emerged. “Things are basically all right as they are” explained 42 year-old office administrator Gary Barnes, “and at the end of the day, you can’t really ask for much more than that. I would like to have sex again one day, though.”
Dreaming of greatness . . .
The British left intends to persist with its strategy of wooing floating voters by constantly calling them stupid, racist wankers, it has emerged. Interviewed by John Humphrys on BBC Radio Four’s Today programme, Andy Green, of the Labour-affiliated Institute for Policy Review think tank explained, “Based on the last two General Elections and the EU Referendum, we’ve all agreed that the best way of winning over the thick, unwashed plebs whose votes we need to one day get back into power, is to keep laughing at them and reminding them of how horrible they are. It makes us feel really big about ourselves, which is, after all, the most important thing.” When challenged by Humphrys as to the political efficacy of the strategy, Green rolled his eyes and grinned smugly. “I read the Guardian“, he pointed out, “I know everything.”
Groundbreaking new research has indicated that, despite recent developments such as The Sun discontinuing the ‘Page 3 Girl’ feature, Playboy magazine abandoning nude ‘playmates’ and the winding up of most printed ‘lad’s mags’, a sizeable quantity of men remain immensely interested in seeing attractive women with nothing on. Professor Dirk Van Kluftwing, Senior Lecturer in Applied Psychology at the University of Maidenhead, explains: “The prevailing scientific consensus that today’s blokes are ‘bored’ of seeing fit birds in their birthday suits has really been shattered by our research. We found that the vast majority of our participants responded positively to images of lovely ladies in the altogether, often exclaiming involuntary interjections such as ‘Phwoooaargh!!!’ when presented with them; they also reported that seeing women naked in the flesh was not only pleasurable for them, but left them with a weird sense of achievement.”
Associate Tutor Barry Willis, who helped to coordinate the project, added, “As I see it, it’s a bit like Michael Owen’s goal against Argentina in France 98, or that video of the orang utan laughing at the magic trick. No matter how many times you see it, you still like it.”
And so, the end is near. Pity there’s not much to decide on the final day, but I’m hoping to maintain my excellent form in the predicting business. Here we go . . .
Arsenal 4 – 0 Aston Villa ***
Chelsea 1 – 1 Leicester City ***
Everton 1 – 1 Norwich City
Newcastle United 0 – 3 Tottenham Hotspur
Southampton 2 – 1 Crystal Palace *
Stoke City 1 – 3 West Ham United
Swansea City 1 – 1 Manchester City ***
Watford 2 – 2 Sunderland ***
West Bromwich Albion 0 – 1 Liverpool
Manchester United 2 – 0 Bournemouth **
The verdict . . .
Results forecast: 60%
Results forecast: 70%
Fair enough, Merse saved his best for last – but I win the season comfortably!
Final Result: Me 22 – 16 Merse
Norwich City 1 – 1 Manchester United
Aston Villa 1 – 3 Newcastle United
Bournemouth 0 – 0 West Bromwich Albion *
Crystal Palace 2 – 1 Stoke City ***
Sunderland 1 – 2 Chelsea
West Ham United 2 – 0 Swansea City
Leicester City 1 – 0 Everton *
Tottenham Hotspur 1 – 1 Southampton
Liverpool 2 – 1 Watford *
Manchester City 1 – 1 Arsenal *
West Ham United 2 – 1 Manchester United ***
Norwich City 1 – 0 Watford *
Sunderland 2 – 1 Everton *
Liverpool 2 – 2 Chelsea *
The verdict . . .
Results forecast: 64%
Results forecast: 50%
Get in again!
As it stands: Me 22 – 15 Merse