Nolan No Longer Scoring Goals ‘Because of Chicken Dance’

West Ham United Club Captain Kevin Nolan has confirmed that he has sworn never to score another goal in professional football owing to abuse garnered by his idiotic and infuriating ‘chicken dance’ celebration. “Unfortunately, it’s not just on the social media anymore” the midfielder, who was probably decent enough to pick up an England cap or two four or five years ago, revealed in an exclusive interview with Gary Bushell, “and it’s gone beyond the odd song on the terraces, as well. When it’s got to the point where you’ve got your own fans wazzing half-eaten Cornish pasties and cold Tesco steak and kidney pies at you, you have to start asking yourself if it’s all worth it. If it was just about me, I’d happily keep banging in the goals for the gaffer [West Ham United manager Sam Allardyce] and take the abuse. But when you’ve got thugs threatening to target your family with the savoury pastries and what have you, you have to draw the line. I even had one rude boy lob a tub of jellied eels at me last season, and they’re quite expensive these days (the eels are typically sourced from the Netherlands or Northern Ireland). Who knows how far it could escalate?” When asked if he had considered simply not doing the dance anymore, Nolan was equally frank: “Listen, obviously there’s no way I can score and not do the dance, because I’m such an incorrigible knob – so I’m really left with no alternative. I still think I can make a contribution, and I still hope I can chip in with the odd assist from time to time. The only danger could be if I was to set one up for big AC [West Ham United striker Andy Carroll] and start celebrating with him. That would almost certainly bring my formidable inner bell-end right back to the surface.”

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