Playing for Newcastle ‘no excuse for being shit’: Carver

Newcastle United caretaker head coach John Carver has angrily refuted suggestions that his players’ poor performances are understandable considering who they play for. “Obviously, we have a long tradition of winning sod-all at this great club that stretches back to the 1950s” admitted the beleaguered gaffer at a heated post-match press conference following their home defeat to Swansea City at the weekend, “nobody’s gonna deny that. But at the end of the day, somehow, we are a Premier League side, and these are professional footballers who get paid a lot of money. Somewhere along the line, they have to snap out of it, and stop being shit – and most importantly, stop using being a Newcastle player as an excuse for it.” Trevor Bisto, Professor of Dickhead Studies at ULU, is in broad agreement with the manager’s assessment: “Playing for Newcastle doesn’t necessarily make you a knob-end” he commented, interviewed by the BBC for a special report, “although it certainly doesn’t help. It’s important to remember that Newcastle players represent a tiny, tiny minority of the population – though obviously, that doesn’t in any way excuse their behaviour.”

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