England midfielder and recent Liverpool acquisition James Milner will be known henceforth as ‘Jamie Milner’ whether he likes it or not, Liverpool manager Brendan Rodgers has confirmed. “Naturally, we’re delighted that such a fantastic player, with a wealth of experience, has chosen to share in the project, the journey – the dream, if I may be sentimental – that is Liverpool Football Club” said the increasingly maniacal boss at a press conference last Wednesday, “but I’ve been very clear with him that there’s to be no more of this ‘James’ nonsense, now that he’s at Anfield. For a footballer to have the name ‘James’ and not to go by ‘Jamie’ goes against nature, and frankly, I don’t know how he’s got away with it for so long. We have a proud tradition of footballing Jamies here at Liverpool, and he has to respect that. We’ll also be seeing to it that he ends up with a stupid nineties boyband haircut with a centre parting – kind of rocking a PJ & Duncan look, if you will.”
The player himself could not be reached for comment; according to his agent, he accepts the harsh terms imposed by his new club, but is “still too upset” to talk about it.