Player Called ‘Jack’ Not Hailed as Future of English Football

Preston North End striker Jack Ryan has expressed his disappointment at not yet having been identified as potentially England’s most important player of the next decade, despite being called Jack. “The name ‘Jack’ has strong associations of honest toil and working class grit” the player explained to Mark Pougatch on Radio 5 Live last week, ” – qualities that are likely to translate onto the pitch into the kind of ‘pride and passion’ that so many England fans purport to crave from their players (which is obviously why my parents chose it for me). You’d think that someone involved with the game – most likely a Daily Telegraph writer – would have picked up on that by now, and hailed me as the best thing to happen to the English game since Sir Bobby Moore. But no, it’s crickets, still. Frankly, I wouldn’t care if it was somewhat plausible, like with Wilshere, or patent bollocks, like with Rodwell. My name is Jack, and I play football. Some respect, please!”

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