Burnham to Blame Society’s Ills on Young Single Mothers

Shadow Health Secretary and Labour Party leadership candidate Andy Burnham is to reinvent himself as a git and a raving misogynist in a bid to close the gap with current frontrunner Jeremy Corbyn, party sources have confirmed. “Andy has recently come to the conclusion that ‘sponging benefits mums’ have a hand in almost all of the shit that’s fucked up about the United Kingdom of the twenty-first century” said a senior Burnham aide speaking on condition of anonymity, “and he’s quite clear that such women are the cause, rather than a symptom, of such ills, blaming them squarely for a range of problems from, for example, the decline of British manufacturing to our poor performance in Eurovision song contests, and the fact that supermarkets’ own brand pasties are shit compared to twenty years ago. He refers to them variously as ‘slappers’, ‘fat trollops’ and ‘castrating harpy bloodsuckers’, and delights in pointing out that most of them are ‘properly minging’, frequently comparing British women unfavourably to, say, Spanish or Italian birds. These are just some of the ways that Andy believes the Labour Party can reconnect with its core values without returning to the dour and grim traditional socialist image of the seventies and eighties that plays so badly with the UK electorate.” Burnham is also set to come out vocally in support of the Azeri claim to the Nagorno-Karabakh region, believing that hardline leftist Corbyn has “missed a trick” in failing thus far to address the issue.

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