Rugby Fans Riddled With Doubt and Self-Loathing

Fans currently ‘enjoying’ the Rugby World Cup in England are plagued by a nagging sense that the sport they’re watching isn’t as good as football, it has emerged. “I got into rugby about five years ago, watching the Six Nations at an Irish pub in Prague” recalls Ian Booth, 28, from Kettering, “since then, whenever I close my eyes, I’m confronted with a chilling vision of maggots feasting upon an open wound and a strange vulture-like creature with the head of a gibbon repeating the words ‘I own your soul! I own your soul!’ in the voice of Audrey Roberts from Coronation Street. Maybe I should just stop watching rugby.” Argentina fan Esther Jiménez-García agreed, noting that “I’ve been passed up for promotion five times in three years since I abandoned the true path. Maybe it’s enough already with this shit.”

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