Allardyce Scuppers Bananarama Reunion

Still waiting . . .

Still waiting . . .

Sunderland manager Sam Allardyce has sensationally torpedoed a prospective reunion of the classic line-up of eighties girl group Bananarama, by leaking details of an affair between [name redacted] and [name redacted] that allegedly took place in the early 1990s to the Sunday People, in a bid to rescue the troubled club’s season. In a press conference ahead of the Black Cats’ crunch clash against Swansea on Wednesday, the embattled boss revealed that he resorted to the extraordinary measure to ensure that his players remain focused on the battle for Premier League survival.

“Listen, it’s nothing personal whatsoever against Sara, Keren and Siobhan, who are smashing lasses” Allardyce explained to the assembled pack of stunned journalists, “it’s all about looking after the best interests of the football club, which is what I’m here for. Oh, I know you football scribes are gonna say ‘Hey, look at Big Sam with his ego running wild again’ – but trust me, when you’ve actually played the game and been around it as long as I have, you soon get an idea of what Stock, Aitken and Waterman can do to a dressing room when it starts to take hold. We’ve got lads like Lee Cattermole and Stephen Fletcher in the squad who, when they get on the karaoke, properly lose the plot and forget all about the job they’re being paid to do. That’s the bigger picture that I have to look at.”

Speaking to Radio 5 Live this morning, Sunderland owner and chairman Ellis Short has offered Allardyce his full backing in the wake of his latest bizarre outburst: “You know what you get with Big Sam, who is obviously a proper football geezer of the first rank – and while we’re not sure that this Bananarama issue is quite as central as he makes it out to be, his bold and decisive action on the matter illustrates very clearly his drive and commitment to keep Sunderland in the Premier League.”

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