Paltrow Not Attractive, Insist Liars

Millions of Britons are pretending to think that Academy Award winning star Gwyneth Paltrow is “nothing special to look at” because they find her annoying in a vague way, it has emerged. Speaking exclusively to this blog, Dirk Von Kluftwing, Senior Lecturer in Cultural Studies at the University of Maidenhead, explained: “I first became interested in the subject around five years ago. Whenever I saw Gwynnie on TV, I spontaneously exclaimed something to the effect of ‘Phwoooaargh!’ – yet, whenever her name came up in conversation, people were always slating her over some bullshit or other. Having spent the past two years conducting a massive nationwide survey on the subject, I’ve arrived at the conclusion that the vast majority of people professing not to regard Paltrow as a spectacularly radiant vision of ethereal loveliness the like of which is rarely seen on this green earth are either lying through their teeth, or have extremely poor taste.”

Anecdotal evidence appears to support his claim. Kelly Jenkins, a thirty year-old beauty therapist from Bootle recalled, “I was flicking through the channels on TV last Saturday, and some film from the early noughties was on in which Gwyneth appeared, squeezed into a slinky little black number. I turned to my boyfriend Tom and said ‘Ugh! She’s so icky.’ He completely agreed with me. I’m not sure what the bulge in his trousers was about.”

Meh.

Meh.

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