Stoke Player Has “Cultured Left Foot”

A professional footballer for Premier League side Stoke City has a very refined and sophisticated left foot, it has emerged. Speaking on condition of anonymity, Scotland international Charlie Adam explained, “It all started in the second half of a 2-1 defeat to Swansea at the Liberty. The gaffer [Stoke City manager Mark Hughes] saw that I’d picked up a knock and subbed me off for Jonathan Walters. As I was taking my seat on the bench, my foot suddenly started banging on about Aaron’s Rod being D.H. Lawrence’s crowning achievement. Glen Johnson looked at me and said ‘What the fuck was that?’, and Bojan was creasing up. Then my foot opined that Ernst Bloch was the most underrated composer of the twentieth-century and that ‘anyone who can’t see that is a fucking cunt’. At first I thought it was pretty funny, but it just won’t quit and it seems to happen at the most inopportune moments. Half the time, I don’t even know what it’s going on about.”

Stoke City head physio Mark Wahlberg has also spoken of his frustration at not being able to resolve the issue. “We’ve tried blasting Oasis at it at all hours” he commented, “and got Charlie to put his feet up in front of the telly while The X Factor was on. But nothing seems to have any effect.”

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