Government to Roll Out Tough Penalties for Doorway Standers

The UK government is set to begin a major crackdown on people pausing to stand around in the doorways of shops, office buildings etc., it has been confirmed. Outlining the proposals, a visibly irate Amber Rudd (Home Secretary to Her Majesty’s Government), explained to Parliament this morning: “For too long, we have allowed the problem of doorway-standing to fester like a manky half-eaten apple in the summer sun. In all of our major cities, it’s gotten to the point where it’s a major problem, causing seconds of minor inconvenience and annoyance to busy office workers, sometimes several times a day. When you add up the revenue businesses lose from it every year, it probably amounts to something. So, we’re going to tackle this plague head on, unlike the likes of Cameron and Brown who lacked the requisite backbone to do anything about it. I mean, really, what is wrong with these silly dickheads? Either stay inside or go outside – why would you choose to stand in the one exact spot where you’re going to be a nuisance to people? Anyway, once the new law comes into force, anyone caught doorway-standing will be subject to a two hundred pound spot fine, which may be doubled if the individual is looking at his phone while offending – in fact, in these latter cases, a short custodial sentence may be appropriate. That really is the height of twattery.”

While Ms. Rudd was reprimanded by Speaker of the House John Bercow for her “unparliamentary language”, the proposals are understood to have been well-received, garnering widespread cross party support. Ms. Rudd also reassured members of the house that the government are aware of the growing menace of “phonedrift” – the weird zombie-walk that people trying to read and reply to texts while walking do – and are looking at “a range of options” to combat it. “I’m putting the ‘great’ back into Great Offices of State”, she concluded, to ringing applause.

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