Britain’s effete, craft coffee-quaffing, vinyl-collecting, vintage fashion-sporting Central Asian cheese enthusiasts are to vote Conservative in the upcoming general election, as an ironic gesture that their friends will find hilarious, it has emerged. Twenty-nine year old bearded tit Max Farnham, of Putney, explained: “We’re always listening to music ironically – like Status Quo and Slade the other night – and we like to punctuate our visits to our favourite Lebanese, Tibetan and Paraguayan vegan restaurants with the odd trip to an old-fashioned greasy spoon or pie and mash house, just for the hell of it. So, the logical next step was to start voting ironically. Naturally, me and my friends are all left-leaning in our views, but that’s the whole point. Can you imagine Theresa May’s face when she realises she’s got all these votes from people who don’t really mean it? This shit is gonna be epic. After the election, we’re gonna have a ‘victory’ party, where we’ll all dress up as fox hunters and ponce around pretending to be toffs – which, to be fair, will be the ultimate irony, as I actually am a toff.”
The Prime Minister’s office declined to comment when contacted regarding the matter.