May to Critics: “You’re all gonna swivel on it.”

Potty-mouth

You can all lick UK Prime Minister Theresa May’s pussy while she paints her fingernails, it has been confirmed. Speaking to John Humphrys on Radio Four this morning, following her announcement of a snap general election in June, the Tory leader observed: “In just a few short weeks, all of those silly dickheads who’ve been giving me shit about not being elected will have to stick it right up their bollocks. Labour’s a joke, I’m the Prime Minister and will continue to be so – and if you don’t like it, you can fucking well choke on it.”

When pressed for more detail about the government’s plans for managing the process of leaving the European Union, May coldly replied, “My way or the highway, bitch”, and concluded the interview. Party insiders have refused to elaborate upon her comments.

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Milner Not Sure if He Played for Stoke

Potter or notter?

Liverpool’s penalty king and resident comedy Scouser Jamie Milner can’t remember whether he ever played for Stoke City, it has emerged. Speaking to Sky Sports on Monday, following the Reds’ battling victory over the Potters last weekend, the player recalled a conversation on the team bus which has left him plunged into existential doubt. “We were about five miles from the Britannia when Henderson remarked on all the ex-Liverpool boys we’d see there – Crouchy, Charlie Adam, Joe Allen and Glen Johnson. And then Coutinho said ‘But none of us ever played for Stoke, right?’ We all nodded, but then Sturridge piped up: ‘What about Milner? Jamie, didn’t you have a season on loan at Stoke a few years ago?’ Automatically, I said ‘Yeah’ but then I checked myself and said ‘Hang on, actually, I don’t know!’ None of the other boys were sure, either. I can’t honestly recall donning the red and white stripes and turning out at the Britannia, but I feel like I must have done, somehow. I’ve been on Wikipedia, but there’s no mention of it. And I spoke to Tony Pulis, and he doesn’t know either. So if anyone has any video footage, or my appearance and goals stats for Stoke, I’d really appreciate it if they got in touch. I’m sure I would have been very industrious for them, and it would be a pity if all that was forgotten.”

Sky Sports pundit Phil Thompson speculated that, not for the first time in his career, Milner may be confusing himself with Stewart Downing.

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Government to Roll Out Tough Penalties for Doorway Standers

The UK government is set to begin a major crackdown on people pausing to stand around in the doorways of shops, office buildings etc., it has been confirmed. Outlining the proposals, a visibly irate Amber Rudd (Home Secretary to Her Majesty’s Government), explained to Parliament this morning: “For too long, we have allowed the problem of doorway-standing to fester like a manky half-eaten apple in the summer sun. In all of our major cities, it’s gotten to the point where it’s a major problem, causing seconds of minor inconvenience and annoyance to busy office workers, sometimes several times a day. When you add up the revenue businesses lose from it every year, it probably amounts to something. So, we’re going to tackle this plague head on, unlike the likes of Cameron and Brown who lacked the requisite backbone to do anything about it. I mean, really, what is wrong with these silly dickheads? Either stay inside or go outside – why would you choose to stand in the one exact spot where you’re going to be a nuisance to people? Anyway, once the new law comes into force, anyone caught doorway-standing will be subject to a two hundred pound spot fine, which may be doubled if the individual is looking at his phone while offending – in fact, in these latter cases, a short custodial sentence may be appropriate. That really is the height of twattery.”

While Ms. Rudd was reprimanded by Speaker of the House John Bercow for her “unparliamentary language”, the proposals are understood to have been well-received, garnering widespread cross party support. Ms. Rudd also reassured members of the house that the government are aware of the growing menace of “phonedrift” – the weird zombie-walk that people trying to read and reply to texts while walking do – and are looking at “a range of options” to combat it. “I’m putting the ‘great’ back into Great Offices of State”, she concluded, to ringing applause.

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Premier League Footballer Anagrams: I

A bit of Friday fun . . . can you unscramble the letters to reveal the names of the fifteen current or former English Premier League footballers? They’re drawn from a wide variety of clubs, from different eras of the league, and include some of the all-time greats along with a few not-so-greats. Enjoy, and leave your answers in the comments please 🙂

1. Straw mat curse
2. Of Lear, damned
3. Sally Tripe Rag
4. The cool twat
5. A calm bad son chip
6. Ana jams her voicer
7. Her anal arse
8. Rim Cack Charlie
9. The caring git
10. A bum oil store
11. Mere English rat
12. Avoiding lad
13. We smile at her tits
14. A long arse junk loser
15. Go in, enable shit

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Man Still Pretending David Bowie Was His Musical Hero

Classic.

Classic.

A man from Staplehurst in Kent is still pretending to be devastated that David Bowie is no longer with us more than a year after the legendary artist’s passing, it has emerged. 39 year-old Alan Guppy, talking to John Humphrys on BBC Radio 4, made the following comments: “What I loved about him was that he was always changing, he never stood still as an artist. That’s what they all say, isn’t it? I remember taping one of his songs off the radio when I was about thirteen. And a few years ago, I bought my mum Hunky Dory on CD for her birthday. You just think, ‘What a loss’, don’t you?”

Mr Guppy also noted that his ‘sad’ posts of pictures of Bowie on Facebook have garnered many likes, comments and reactions, and added that he intends to keep posting them for a good while to come, as people in his social circle seem to approve of the sentiments.

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Coventry City to Star in Reboot of ‘The Love Boat’

New directions . . .

New directions . . .

Struggling English football club Coventry City is set to appear in the forthcoming new series of kitsch American TV classic The Love Boat, it has been confirmed. “Obviously, these are difficult times for the club, and we know that this move won’t be universally popular with the fans” explained Coventry chairman Tim Fisher, speaking to BBC Radio Five Live, “and yeah, of course, there’s going to be lots of stick and banter from opposing fans as a result of it. But we’re facing the prospect of probable relegation to League Two and the financial hit that comes with that. Realistically, when HBO came in with this offer, we just couldn’t afford to turn it down. Besides, in any industry, you have to innovate and look at new ways of doing things, and football’s no different. Who knows, maybe this could be a trend for the future, and we’ll be seen as trailblazers?”

It is understood that Coventry will make its first appearance midway through the series, as a mysterious stranger from Panama who quickly becomes embroiled in a love triangle with characters played by Frances Sternhagen and Betty White. However, questions linger about the practicalities of balancing the foray into acting with the rigorous demands of a tough football league season. “To be fair, I really have no idea what the deal is with this ‘love boat’ thing” club captain Jordan Willis admitted. “I don’t know what’s going on at this club anymore. It’s all a bit chaotic these days.”

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Blues Rock Musician Rhymes “lonely road” with “heavy load”

A semi-professional blues rocker from Telford, Shropshire, is convinced that he’s on the verge of major mainstream success, after devising an “ingenious couplet” involving the words “lonely road” and “heavy load”, it has emerged. Describing his new ballad, entitled Last Night’s Wine, 41 year old Steve Ross (singer and lead guitarist of the eponymous Steve Ross Band) explained: “This shit is gonna be epic, the guys are gonna be blown away when they hear it. I’m gonna do it solo acoustic as an encore, and I drop the bomb in the second verse, ‘I’ve travelled that lonely road/and carried my heavy load’, which conveys a certain kind of world-weary melancholy.”

“The blues is supposed to carry a strain of melancholy” he added.

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