God: Dinosaurs “bollocks”

The supposed existence of dinosaurs was just a clever game of double bluff to prove the factual veracity of the Book of Genesis, God has confirmed. Speaking exclusively to this blog, the Supreme Being launched into an extraordinary tirade: “Come on, don’t you think that Tyrannosaurus Rex was just a little bit too perfect? And what about that one with the crest and three horns, that was supposedly herbivorous? Do me a favour! And don’t get me started on that Brontosaurus or Diplodocus, or whatever it was. It was just a load of made up shit, to entertain small boys. Jesus, you people are gullible – still, I suppose that’s the way I made you, all those five thousand years ago.”

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Brunt Blasts Pardew for Donovan Ploy

Hey music lover . . .

West Bromwich Albion stalwart Chris Brunt has sensationally lashed out at manager Alan Pardew over his use of former Neighbours actor Jason Donovan as a motivational tool, in an “explosive” interview with the Daily Star. While deadlocked with Huddersfield at half time (in a match which the bottom club must surely have been targeting as eminently winnable and went on to lose 2-1) Brunt and his teammates were treated to a short but intimate acoustic set from the one-time pop star and his touring guitarist, featuring hits such as ‘Rhythm of the Rain’, ‘Every Day (I Love You More)’ and ‘Too Many Broken Hearts’, in a bid to lift their spirits and get them fired up for the second period.

“I wouldn’t normally go public with criticism of any gaffer” the Northern Irishman explained, “but there are certain things going on at this club that I’m not happy about. I know Alan had the best of intentions in bringing Jason in, and it was good of him to do it at such short notice. The idea was to get us into a better frame of mind so we’d come out pumped and focused in the second half. But I really don’t think it was a good idea and, to be fair, it completely backfired. In the middle of the last song, Salomón [Rondon, West Brom striker] shouts at Donovan, ‘Shut your noise, you fucking old cunt!’ – which, to be fair, Jason handled very professionally. Anyway, the gaffer’s giving Sal the evil eye, and the boys are all trying not to laugh. It just unsettled us even more, and you saw that in the second half performance. To be honest, I think Alan would have been better off concentrating on getting the tactics right and giving us a more conventional team talk at half time.”

When contacted by this blog for comment, Pardew played down the incident, insisting that it has been “blown out of all proportion” and reminding fans that he used Stefan Dennis very effectively while leading Newcastle United to a top six finish. “And anyway” he added impatiently, before hanging up the phone, “when you’re the king, you can do what you want.”

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Man Confuses Facebook “Likes” With Sexual Attraction

A British man is labouring under the misapprehension that an attractive young woman is desperate to jump into bed with him because she sometimes ‘likes’ or reacts ‘ha ha’ to things he posts on Facebook, it has been confirmed. Speaking exclusively to this blog, Robert Griffin, a 35 year-old marketing specialist from Basingstoke, explained: “Several times over the past year, when I’ve posted stuff on Facebook, Alicia has reacted positively to it. And on some of the occasions, she’s been the only person to react to the post, which shows there’s a real connection there. She has some pretty nice bikini photos from her holidays. I’m looking forward to shagging her.”

When contacted by this blog for a response, 25 year-old Alicia Berry, of Maidstone, commented: “Rob posts some interesting articles and funny videos from time to time. I can’t exactly remember where I know him from, or if we ever met in person.”

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Woman Has ‘Fairytale of New York’ Stuck in Her Head for a Month

A British woman will not be able to get the beloved Christmas classic Fairytale of New York by the Pogues featuring Kirsty MacColl out of her head until next year, it has been confirmed. 33 year old Angela Wallace, of Barnstaple, Devon, explained exclusively to this blog, “The first time I heard it this year, while having coffee in a shopping centre on my lunch break, I thought it was nice. But I’m starting to rue the bloody day, as it’s just replaying itself over and over in my head, and I keep catching myself humming it at the most inopportune moments. I’ve tried flushing it out with everything from Journey to the Bee Gees to Mahler to extreme Scandinavian black metal, but nothing seems to make any difference. I like to think of it as the impish ghost of Kirsty MacColl on my shoulder. But I wish she’d just bugger off now.”

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Pervy Git Accused of “Inappropriate Sexual Behaviour”

A randy old perv stands accused of having subjected a string of unwilling female colleagues to various lewd antics and shenanigans over a period stretching back decades, it has emerged. 58 year-old Bob Tramurgle, who cannot be named for legal reasons, has been suspended from his position at the Hythe legal firm Kimley & Sons pending an investigation – while a former administrative assistant with the company has come forward to speak out about the harrassment she experienced at his hands.

“He used to cup my buttocks in his hands and then make out it was an accident” 31 year-old Theresa Hailles, speaking on condition of anonymity, recalled. “And then he’d refer to me as ‘top-notch fanny’ in front of clients, before brushing it of as ‘banter’. He really was a dreadful old lech.” At least six other female employees are believed to have come forward with similar claims.

“These allegations come as no surprise to me whatsoever” observed Mr Tramurgle’s boss, Jay Kimley, when contacted by this website. “I can’t honestly remember a girl coming to work in our office who he didn’t use to perv over in a ridiculously blatant way at one point or another. He used to have this thing about wanting to lick the armpits of women he considered attractive. Other than that, he’s been a very diligent and conscientious employee – and I believe he’s a good guy at heart. Some people just struggle to adapt to the changing mores of our times, and I guess Bob’s one of them.”

Mr Tramurgle has not been available for comment regarding the allegations, and is believed to be engaging in a “period of quiet reflection” with his family.

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Man to Embark on “Healthy Drinking” Regime

A British man is phasing out beer and replacing it with vodka in a bid to improve his health, it has emerged. Noting that he “doesn’t feel as full” after spirits, Leonard Baird, 37, of Newquay, explained: “What’s nice is that, because vodka has so little taste, you can mix it with soda water or whatever and, at the beginning, it doesn’t really feel like you’re boozing, even though you absolutely are. And the really great thing about it is that I can continue to achieve happiness by getting properly caned every night, while not having to worry about my belly getting bigger.”

The semi-employed administrative assistant added that his therapist would surely be “thrilled” to learn of the “radical lifestyle shift” he has settled upon.

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Man Posts Something Pointless to Keep Blog Ticking Over

A self-styled writer has written something pointless to put on his blog, purely to make sure he doesn’t go a whole month without posting anything, it has emerged. 37 year old James Shaw, of Kettering, a busy and uninspired individual who blogs on a range of topics, explained: “I thought I’d better post something, so as not to post nothing. So I threw a bunch of banal sentences together on the topic of writing something rather than writing nothing, and published them. I don’t suppose anyone will read the post – or if they do, they’ll regret the couple of minutes they wasted.”

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