Epigram for a Dunce

Knowing not what to write about
But ill-content to scribble nowt,
I sit me down with pen in hand,
To spout my sloppy-rhyming cant.
Dull is my Muse’s call, I heed it –
A pox on you who paused to read it!

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Man Drapes Jacket on Shoulders to Annoy Colleagues

A 32 year old office worker from Caterham, Surrey, is causing mild irritation to his colleagues by walking around his workplace with an expensive designer jacket draped on his shoulders, and never putting his arms through the sleeves, it has emerged. Marketing Specialist Ed Barker, of Cable & Wireless UK, explained to this blog that he particularly enjoys standing over colleagues at their workstations with a cup of coffee, and making small talk with them with the jacket half on. “What’s really great is that, by just draping the jacket on my shoulders and not wearing it properly, it’s clear that it has no functional value whatsoever, and is solely a fashion accessory” he elaborated. “I know I look like a dick.”

“I actually do think I’m going to punch him” added 27 year old Sales Rep Tina Wilson.

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Nobody Remembers Jason Orange

Mystery man . . .


Nobody knows who Jason Orange was, it has been confirmed.

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Hipsters to Vote Conservative “Ironically”

Britain’s effete, craft coffee-quaffing, vinyl-collecting, vintage fashion-sporting Central Asian cheese enthusiasts are to vote Conservative in the upcoming general election, as an ironic gesture that their friends will find hilarious, it has emerged. Twenty-nine year old bearded tit Max Farnham, of Putney, explained: “We’re always listening to music ironically – like Status Quo and Slade the other night – and we like to punctuate our visits to our favourite Lebanese, Tibetan and Paraguayan vegan restaurants with the odd trip to an old-fashioned greasy spoon or pie and mash house, just for the hell of it. So, the logical next step was to start voting ironically. Naturally, me and my friends are all left-leaning in our views, but that’s the whole point. Can you imagine Theresa May’s face when she realises she’s got all these votes from people who don’t really mean it? This shit is gonna be epic. After the election, we’re gonna have a ‘victory’ party, where we’ll all dress up as fox hunters and ponce around pretending to be toffs – which, to be fair, will be the ultimate irony, as I actually am a toff.”

The Prime Minister’s office declined to comment when contacted regarding the matter.

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May to Critics: “You’re all gonna swivel on it.”

Potty-mouth

You can all lick UK Prime Minister Theresa May’s pussy while she paints her fingernails, it has been confirmed. Speaking to John Humphrys on Radio Four this morning, following her announcement of a snap general election in June, the Tory leader observed: “In just a few short weeks, all of those silly dickheads who’ve been giving me shit about not being elected will have to stick it right up their bollocks. Labour’s a joke, I’m the Prime Minister and will continue to be so – and if you don’t like it, you can fucking well choke on it.”

When pressed for more detail about the government’s plans for managing the process of leaving the European Union, May coldly replied, “My way or the highway, bitch”, and concluded the interview. Party insiders have refused to elaborate upon her comments.

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Milner Not Sure if He Played for Stoke

Potter or notter?

Liverpool’s penalty king and resident comedy Scouser Jamie Milner can’t remember whether he ever played for Stoke City, it has emerged. Speaking to Sky Sports on Monday, following the Reds’ battling victory over the Potters last weekend, the player recalled a conversation on the team bus which has left him plunged into existential doubt. “We were about five miles from the Britannia when Henderson remarked on all the ex-Liverpool boys we’d see there – Crouchy, Charlie Adam, Joe Allen and Glen Johnson. And then Coutinho said ‘But none of us ever played for Stoke, right?’ We all nodded, but then Sturridge piped up: ‘What about Milner? Jamie, didn’t you have a season on loan at Stoke a few years ago?’ Automatically, I said ‘Yeah’ but then I checked myself and said ‘Hang on, actually, I don’t know!’ None of the other boys were sure, either. I can’t honestly recall donning the red and white stripes and turning out at the Britannia, but I feel like I must have done, somehow. I’ve been on Wikipedia, but there’s no mention of it. And I spoke to Tony Pulis, and he doesn’t know either. So if anyone has any video footage, or my appearance and goals stats for Stoke, I’d really appreciate it if they got in touch. I’m sure I would have been very industrious for them, and it would be a pity if all that was forgotten.”

Sky Sports pundit Phil Thompson speculated that, not for the first time in his career, Milner may be confusing himself with Stewart Downing.

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Government to Roll Out Tough Penalties for Doorway Standers

The UK government is set to begin a major crackdown on people pausing to stand around in the doorways of shops, office buildings etc., it has been confirmed. Outlining the proposals, a visibly irate Amber Rudd (Home Secretary to Her Majesty’s Government), explained to Parliament this morning: “For too long, we have allowed the problem of doorway-standing to fester like a manky half-eaten apple in the summer sun. In all of our major cities, it’s gotten to the point where it’s a major problem, causing seconds of minor inconvenience and annoyance to busy office workers, sometimes several times a day. When you add up the revenue businesses lose from it every year, it probably amounts to something. So, we’re going to tackle this plague head on, unlike the likes of Cameron and Brown who lacked the requisite backbone to do anything about it. I mean, really, what is wrong with these silly dickheads? Either stay inside or go outside – why would you choose to stand in the one exact spot where you’re going to be a nuisance to people? Anyway, once the new law comes into force, anyone caught doorway-standing will be subject to a two hundred pound spot fine, which may be doubled if the individual is looking at his phone while offending – in fact, in these latter cases, a short custodial sentence may be appropriate. That really is the height of twattery.”

While Ms. Rudd was reprimanded by Speaker of the House John Bercow for her “unparliamentary language”, the proposals are understood to have been well-received, garnering widespread cross party support. Ms. Rudd also reassured members of the house that the government are aware of the growing menace of “phonedrift” – the weird zombie-walk that people trying to read and reply to texts while walking do – and are looking at “a range of options” to combat it. “I’m putting the ‘great’ back into Great Offices of State”, she concluded, to ringing applause.

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